Today’s episode: Ugly Wallpaper

Photo © 2008 Louisa Billeter CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
Click here for the original image.

“Are you going to get that?! That alarm’s been going off for the last half-hour.”

Nanny peered over his bag of potato chips at his wide-screen TV. Reclined on the couch, his beer belly provided a nice, convenient shelf on which to rest the bag, not too far away that he had to reach to get at it, not so close that it blocked his view. “Hold on!” he called back. “Let me just make it to the next commercial break.”

Control stomped in from the next room and positioned her body in front of the television screen. “Now,” she intoned, pointing at the emergency-monitor console.

“Damn,” Nanny muttered as he rolled off the couch. “There ought’a be a law against that.”

“What did you say?” Control sounded annoyed.

“Nothing,” Nanny said.

He sat in front of the console and punched a few buttons.

“Yikes!” He jolted from his chair. “I gotta go,” he said. “Looks like another hapless consumer being exploited by an evil capitalist.”

“Well, good luck,” said Control. “And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Yeah, right,” he muttered, as he took off on wingless flight toward the site of the trouble.

“…and I think,” said Linda to her friend and client, Suzanne, “a red throw rug would accent the color scheme you chose for the room—”

“Aha!” Nanny interrupted, swooping in from nowhere, pulling his bazooka from his pants—no one knows how he fits it in there, but there must be a lot of excess room.

“Bazooka Nanny!” exclaimed Suzanne. “What’s the matter?!”

“Fear not, fair damsel!” he replied.

“Nanny?” Linda asked. “But… you’re a guy.”

Swiftly aiming the barrel of his bazooka straight at Linda’s head: “Okay, slowly and carefully, let’s see your interior designer’s license.”

“My what?” Confusion and horror washed over Linda’s face.

“Ha! I thought as much,” Nanny said. “You thought you could get away with cheating the American public, but we’re on to you!”

Suzanne interevened. “There must be some mistake. Linda’s one of the nicest, most honest people I know. She’s always had good ideas, and I’ve always been thrilled with her work.”

“Ha! Fooled you, too, I see. But tell me this: if she’s so honest, why is she practicing interior design without a license?”

“Without a…” Suzanne’s puzzled words trailed off, as she regrouped. “I’m sure it’s just an oversight. She clearly knows what she’s doing.”

“Not so! Unlicensed operators can kill! But fear not, fair damsel! I’ve brought with me a qualified interior designer.”

At that point, a tall, thin man strolled into the room, dressed in a designer jacket, hands clasped behind his back.

“How did he get in here?!” Suzanne objected.

“Oh my!” The man spoke with a lisp. “Red is absolutely the worst color for this room. The energies of the universe would play a cosmic game of badminton with your fate, and you would end up with an awful disease, like cholera.”

“Is that gibberish?” Suzanne asked.

Linda regrouped, at least enough to answer for her friend. “We don’t do feng shui. We’re not into that sort of thing.”

“Silence, villain!” Nanny shouted at her, readjusting his aim. “You’ve ruined your last living room!”

A new voice suddenly rang out. “I think we’ve heard enough of this.”

“Damn!” Nanny said. “It’s my arch-enemy, Syl.”

“Syl?” asked Suzanne. “Is that a name.”

“It’s short for Sylvester.” The new voice came from a tall, broad-shouldered man with sandy hair and blue eyes. He wore a suit and tie and carried a beige attaché, and he spoke in rich, dulcet tones that filled the room. “I’m a civil liberties attorney,” he explained. “I’ve been following your progress, Nanny.”

“Don’t call me that!” Nanny objected.

“Why not? It’s your name.” And without waiting for an answer, “You’re through tormenting these poor people, Nanny. Pack up your bazooka and go home.” It sounded more like an order than a request.

Suzanne spoke up. “Aren’t you the guy who’s always putting criminals back out on the streets?”

Syl spoke matter-of-factly. “No, you’re thinking of criminal defense attorneys. I’m here to stand up for everyone’s right to put up ugly wallpaper.”

Nanny snarled. “There is no right to ugly wallpaper!”

“That’s what you think, Nanny. But you’re wrong!”

In a fit of sudden rage, Nanny swung his bazooka around at Syl and fired.

But Syl was ready for him. In a well-practiced motion that would have impressed Kwai Chang Caine, he blocked Nanny’s swing with his briefcase, and the bazooka blew a hole in the wall behind him. Syl stepped up his attack, with fists of lightning knocking Nanny to the floor.

“Look what you’ve done now, Nanny. You’re going to fix their house, aren’t you, Nanny?”

Nanny couldn’t reach his bazooka, because the damn lawyer was blocking the way. “Damn!” he said. “I hate ugly wallpaper.” Then, “There ought’a be a law against that.”

“Yes, I know,” Syl said, as if he were talking to a small child. He helped Nanny up off the floor and began walking him away from the disaster area. “Don’t worry,” he said with an air of condescension. “Maybe you’ll be able to shut down the unlicensed flower arrangers instead.” He chuckled.

Today’s episode was inspired by an actual Florida law (which resembles laws in a number of other states) that forbids people from giving interior design advice unless the first go through a convoluted and expensive government-licensing process. The Institute for Justice wants to challenge the law, because it represents prior restraint of First Amendment speech. The U.S. Supreme Court is to decide today whether it will hear the case.

Here’s Reason.tv’s video “Throw-Pillow Fight: Is your interior designer really putting your life at risk?”

UPDATE: The U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear the case against interior-design licensing. The Nanny State lives on!

This is too funny for me to have made it up. The IRS has ruled that Obama’s stimulus bill subsidizes actual, honest-to-goodness golf carts, under the “high-mileage vehicle” provision. This is causing golf-cart sales to soar. Laments Doug Bandow of the Cato Institute, “In a normal world this would be shocking, even scandalous news. Taxpayer money wasted buying carts for golfers. Uncle Sam as reverse Robin Hood, stealing from the needy to enrich well-heeled golfers.” Not in this country.

The Morality of Climate Change

True story: I was walking down Main Street this week, and one of the churches had a banner out front: “Climate Change is a Moral Issue.” Uh… Funny. I thought it was a natural atmospheric phenomenon.

Of course, it’s also a “crisis” and an “indisputable fact.” So I guess it could be a “moral issue,” too.

It’s campaign time again!

Every time I drive into Boston, I see signs for Mayor Manino’s reelection campaign: “Moving Boston Forward.”

I understand the challenger is running on the “Moving Boston Backwards” platform. It’s a close race.

Oy vey! Menino’s not moving anyone anywhere! Of course he wants to claim he is. But that’s what politicians do, take the credit for all our hard work.

The government solution to “market(ing) failure.”

The Onion ran this (fictional) piece last month, about a (fictional) man who was ejected from a movie theater “for failing to meet the minimum gender, age, and socioeconomic status requirements set forth in new guidelines to ensure marketing is reflected in movie audiences.”

Not sure what The Onion’s point was, but to me it sounded like a government solution. Are you sure they weren’t talking about US healthcare?

Last Weekend to Win a Free Book

This is the last weekend to enter this site’s drawing for a free book. Just click here to go to the giveaway post, then add a comment at the bottom of that post describing why you should get a Nobel Peace Prize. I understand they’re still giving them out to everyone.

-TImK

“Barack Hussein Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize, NASA Bombs the Moon”; © 2009 RR Anderson CC BY 2.0

As you know, Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize last Friday.

At first, I thought it was some sort of joke. And then I decided it actually was. “Wow. They’re giving them out to everyone now, aren’t they?”

The sentiment is not mine alone. For example, Ana Marie Cox, National Correspondent for Air America radio, wrote on Twitter, “Apparently Nobel Prizes are now being awarded to anyone who is not George Bush.”

After much debate, I think we’ve finally zeroed in on why Obama received the prize. It’s for his extraordinary effort, as Jerry Salcido reports at the Campaign for Liberty, “at bringing peace to the anti-war movement.” This has allowed him to further implement the peace-keeping missions created by his predecessor and the predecessor before that.

This should not come as a complete surprise. Nobel Peace Prize laureates over the past decade have included the UN, for their extraordinary efforts to promote endless bickering between national governments; the International Panel on Climate Change, for their extraordinary efforts to build up and disseminate greater myths— er, I mean, “knowledge,” about the global climate; and most importantly, Al Gore (for inventing the Internet).

(Yup. That joke still works.)

Your Own Peace Prize

In the spirit of the Nobel, I’m instituting my own peace prize. I haven’t given it a name yet— but I know that I don’t want my name on it. (Feel free to suggest names along with your contest entries below.)

If you’re the most deserving person— Ha! (Sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face. Let me begin again.) If you win, I’ll give you an autographed copy of The Conscience of Abe’s Turn, Volume 1. This is a libertarian novel about the dangers of power. (Here’s an unsolicited Abe’s Turn review, from a libertarian who seems to get what it’s about. Google for other reviews, if you want.)

I’ll also subscribe you to my on-again–off-again print newsletter, which I send out (when I release a new issue) to my web-shop customers.

So the prize: a free book, with my authentic autograph; a free subscription to my newsletter; and the notoriety and fun that goes along with posting snarky comments on a political blog. (I don’t know about you, but if I weren’t running this contest, I’d participate just for the last of these. The free book is just a bonus.)

How to Enter

Submit a comment below, a few sentences explaining why you ought to receive a Nobel Peace Prize.

(Note that I want to know why you should receive a Nobel Peace Prize, not why you should receive a copy of my book. You can get the book just by ordering it, if you really wanted it that bad. But why should the Nobel committee award you a Nobel Peace Prize? That’s the question at hand.)

For example, here are a few possibly winning entries:

I ought to receive a Nobel Peace Prize because I’ve actually done more in my own private life to promote free, consensual commerce and non-violent conflict resolution than any government agency.

I ought to receive a Nobel Peace Prize because I plan to try really hard to make extraordinary efforts to pour myself a hot bath with vanilla and lavender. (And we all know how peaceful that is.)

I ought to receive a Nobel Peace Prize because Sirrus and Achenar didn’t fool me for one second! Yes, I actually won the computer game Myst. First time, too. No walkthrough needed.

I ought to receive a Nobel Peace Prize because I love the color pink. And I also hate big corporations and stockholders, because all they want is money, and all they have is money. And besides, why should they get all the money?! I have a 401(k). How come I’m not rich? It’s not fair!

I ought to receive a Nobel Peace Prize because you’re sooooo cool, and I really want to read your book. (That’s apparently as good a reason as any for being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.)

How the Winner Will Be Chosen

As with Nobel Peace Prize laureates, entries will be judged by an impartial panel of experts—specifically, me and me alone—who will weigh such factors as the entrant’s peace accomplishments, the charisma and humor value of the entry, and whether the coin flip comes up heads or tails. The panel of experts—again, me and me alone—may also choose entries at random, or based upon whether I’m having a fun day or a sucky day.

(So in other words, for the record, this is not actually a contest. That part about entries actually being judged, that’s just for humor. The winner will actually be chosen in a random giveaway.)

(However, I may link-to or comment on some of the more notable entries elsewhere on the blog.)

How Long the Giveaway Will Last

On or around midnight, Monday, November 2, I’ll pick the winner. I’ll post a follow-up post and announce who it is. I’ll also email you for your mailing address, so that I can send you your free book.

So get those entries in! Submit a comment below!

-TimK

P.S. You may submit multiple entries if you’d like, but I’ll only count each person once. (Please, no posing as multiple personas in order to increase your chances of winning. This giveaway is for fun, and posing as multiple personas is against the rules.)

P.P.S. If you want to comment, but don’t want to be entered in the giveaway, just say so in your comment.